Tainted Love
by Lisaand
Summary: All I could do was silently watch as the music industry molded her like a piece of clay, until she was a completely different person. One whom I knew nothing about.
1. Chapter 1

A.N: Hopefully this makes sense...

* * *

Sometimes I wonder why I do this. Why I always succumb to her gently caresses and smooth choice of words. She's dangerous...I know that much. One wrong move and its all over. If I stay around her for to long, I'll just drown in my desires either way. But that's all they are; desires. Just because you want something, doesn't mean that you'll actually get it.

We used to date...well if you could even call it that. I mean we were fourteen and curious. We would sneak kisses when no one was looking, walk down the halls of school with our pinkies intertwined, we would say that we love each other...it was nice—innocent. No one thought much about it, which was great because its not like what we did was any of their business anyway.

But everything pure ends up tainted at some point.

I watched how the music industry slowly molded her like a piece of clay. They molded her into a completely different person, shaped her into someone who would boost the company's image. Stripped her of her cute loose fitting Tom-boyish clothes and painted on tight black clothing that she would never wear, to fill the void. They readjusted her attitude, to make sure that it stuck out and that she would be known for it. They changed every little detail about her, I barely recognized her when she came back home a few months later. The best friend that I once had...ended up as just a memory.

She ended up dropping out of school and hired a personal tutor. I had never felt so alone in school before. I had no one to talk to (don't even get me started with how much just about everyone in my school sucked), no one to intertwine pinkies with in the hallway...I felt empty; incomplete. I was pretty much mute during school from then on.

I know that she doesn't love me—that she never will, so why do I always come back to her? I've narrowed it down to wanting to feel loved, in a type of way that is. I just want to feel wanted by someone, Alex fills that void whenever she calls me to come to her house. But it's like a drug, you may want to quit at some point, but it's hard. You give into the drug again and again, the wonderful feeling that it leaves just gets shorter and shorter each time, unless you get more of the drug.

She's my best friend in a different way now, yet I'm so sure that we could be something more...if she would just admit that to herself. But, no. I'm referring to the queen of stubbornness (well to me that's what she is, she's something the queen of bitchiness to just about everyone else. I won't even try to defend her on that), what I want with her is never going to happen. I honestly don't know if its because she's in denial about liking girls or if she's just scared of what people—the tabloids would say about her. I really hope it's the latter, at least she'd be admitting it to herself.. Apparently to Alex, just because you have sex with girls, doesn't mean that you're attracted to them.

I just want to hold her hand in public...maybe swing our joined hands back and fourth as we walk through a park or whatever. But she doesn't want that, I should just be happy that she at least wants me behind closed doors...

Alex is so confusing though...I pretty much never know what she wants, so I piss her off a lot without even meaning to. You'd think that after four years of being friends and two years of being... **friends**, I'd know her like the back of my hand. But I don't. I wish that I did though. I know the old Alex, not the new one. It's amazing in a scary way how her old self was erased, almost as if it never existed. I've tried to get to know the new Alex, but she's always so heavenly guarded, I end up starting fights with her without even realizing. She's not the "bitch" of the music industry for nothing...

* * *

It happened again. I'm left alone in her bed, with a thin white sheet covering my nude body. She was angry last night. What about, I still don't know; she attacked my lips and dragged me into her bedroom before I could even get a word out.

Her lips tasted like vodka, while she smelled of cigarette smoke; I had gotten used to that being her trademark smell and taste. Her music company didn't even tell her to smoke or drink (well she's underage anyway..), she just came into the habit of doing it herself, to maintain her badass reputation.

Sometimes I feel like maybe she did care about me...I mean when we first started sleeping together, she'd still be in her bed when I would wake up. Or if she wasn't in her bed when I woke up, she'd leave a note on her pillow to at least tell me where she was. It's little things like those that told me that she cared..at least a little.

I miss those days; the days when her ego wasn't so big and she wasn't pressured to impress people that she disliked- cared nothing about. She was just stressed and lonely, I was the perfect reliever. I thought it was a good idea at the time, but of course I just had to be wrong.

We barely talk now. She just calls me and I obediently show up at her house every single time, kind of like a puppy. She wouldn't even greet me, she would just drag me to her room or wherever she wanted to relieve in her home. Anywhere. Mind you that she has a mansion and a pretty big property...

At first, I didn't even realize that she was changing me too. Now that I realized, I just wish that everything could just go back to normal.

I'm a lot more paranoid around my parents now. They don't know that I love Alex and they definitely don't know that we sleep together just about every other day. I'd probably be labeled differently in their minds. I'm still the 'perfect' child to them because they know absolutely nothing that goes on in my life. They don't know that my grades are slipping because Im always skipping school to be with Alex before she has to go on tour. Even though she is such a problem for me...I can't help but go back to her and just be around her. There are tiny fragments of my Alex still in there, somewhere...I just know there is.

I wonder if I'm the only one who has noticed how Alex has changed. Her smiles would always be genuine when she first started her sining career and she would actually care about others around her. It's a rare occasion now when her smiles are genuine, drugs and alcohol not being the cause of that smile anyway. Everyone seems to fall for her fake-forced smiles, I seem to be the only one who see's right through that facade. Alex used to be so sweet, but snide remarks are mostly what come out of her mouth. She pretty much always asks for a fight.

She's an emotional mess right now. Instead of calling me like she usually does, I can't even explain how surprised I was when she let herself into my room through my bedroom window. I live in an apartment on the twenty third floor, so yeah...yay for fire escapes?

After Alex stumbled into my room, I thought that she was angry at first. But when she opened her mouth, instead of yelling, I heard a choked sob instead. She fell to her knee's and hugged them against her chest as she cried. Her facade crumbled right in front of my eyes.

She wouldn't tell me why she was crying, of course she wouldn't. A few incoherent words would leave her mouth, which didn't help me. Maybe all the pressure from fame has finally been to much weight on her shoulders? That's most likely it. Everyone ends up breaking under some point, I guess it was finally Alex's time.

All I can do is watch and hold her in my arms, how pathetic is that?


	2. Chapter 2

I didn't sign up for this, but it's a part of the packaged deal. All I ever wanted to do was sing...but obviously that isn't enough. Is anything ever enough, really?

I was innocent at first, or at least innocent enough at the time. But fame gets to you, it really does. It may not exactly be like what you see on t.v, what with chairs flying across the room and people acting like raging bitches...well I mean that kind of stuff does sort of happen, but only when you finally break under all of the pressure. T.v doesn't really go much into that, until its to late, so they show over exaggerated stuff that celebrities do when they 'hit rock bottom' or whatever. They don't care if its the truth or not, as long as they get views.

Like I already stated, all I wanted to do was sing. But when you're a nobody...that's just it, you're a nobody, so who would want to hear you sing if they don't know who you are?

For example, if someone had the choice of either choosing you or someone like I dunno...Miley Cyrus, to sing at some big event of theirs, obviously they'd choose Miley over you because she has a reputation; just about everyone knows her in some type of way, even if they don't want to know who she is...they just do.

I of course started off just like anyone else in the industry...I have talent, but that means nothing if you don't put yourself out there. Just because you sing very well doesn't mean that people will know you because of your talent; it's all about image. I wanted to become famous and just have the whole package...being known, raging fans that love me and that would go lesbian for me, all the money that I desire, having fun on stage...all that wonderful stuff.

My record company didn't really agree with me, I can only assume that they thought that I was being an ignorant child for thinking that's how the music industry works. But it's not like it really mattered what I thought because I was under a contract, I was their property. They could do whatever they want to me because a piece of paper with my signature on it says that they can.

Surprisingly enough, I wasn't always the bitch that my company makes me out to be—well turned into really. I was younger, innocent as can be, willingly nice to people, I pretty much had my head in the clouds. I even had a girlfriend...well I guess Mitchie is the closest thing to a girlfriend that I have ever had.

It wasn't all about anger and sex with her back then. We used to link pinkies in the hallway just because we wanted to, we would sneak kisses during school hours because we enjoyed the rush from the possibility of getting caught, we would even hold each other in bed most times whenever one of us slept over. I honestly wonder how the people around us never caught on, we actually made it fairly obvious that our relationship was a bit stronger than friendship. Especially our parents never noticed, or maybe they did but they just held their tongues because we weren't necessarily doing anything wrong per say.

Everyone has their opinions, there is nothing that you can do to actually change that.

I remember I was excited to start off my singing career. It's what I wanted and I finally got it, what else could I want? I was so excited, I didn't even mind the changes that my label did to me. Who cares what they change of me, as long as I get to sing and feel loved.

How I was pretty much stripped of my former self was really tiring. I still had the nice girl part of me, but that's not what they wanted. I had to actually think of what to do and say around people, obviously whatever came out of my mouth was just plain rude or I just ignored people when they walked up to me. It was like being trained— one wrong move and you get another smack to your self-esteem.

After awhile, just about everything that I did was just so tiring. I was working more hours than I could handle, I barely got enough sleep, No one really cared about me...I couldn't even enjoy the raging fans anymore. After a concert I wouldn't even be able to eat my lunch by the poolside in peace without having people trying to touch me or get a picture with me. It's sweet and humble at first when they ask, but then it's just so damn frustrating when they don't leave you alone.

Mitchie never did like my change. I remember when I came back home for a break and when she opened the door she had that huge smile of hers adorning features, but then it fell when she actually had a proper look at me. My new attitude was like a second skin to me by then, like I wouldn't even notice if I said something mean, it would just automatically come out of my mouth.

She would try and strike a conversation with me, but I didn't even know how to keep them going for to long. She was putting more effort into saving our relationship than I was. After maybe the third time of her trying to make conversation and actually get me to contribute, I just shut her up with a rough kiss. She didn't exactly like it at first because she was so used to the tender kisses that we used to share, but I guess there is that side of her that likes to be dominated because she quickly succumbed to my new rough kisses.

We decided to go to the mall right after our little impromptu make-out session. I was actually pretty content with our pinkies being linked like we used to do, but of course the one time I actually feel happy, it ends up being tainted. Shrills and screeches were what assaulted my ears as my fans crowded around Mitchie and I. Our pinkies ended up un-linking as people tried to pry the poor girl away from me, just so they'd have a better chance of seeing-touching me.

That was the first time I had my picture on the cover of a tabloid magazine, for punching a 'fan' who shoved Mitchie to the ground. My manager was actually pretty proud of me, ironically enough.

I was beyond pissed when Mitchie and I went to my house, the only place where I was at least somewhat safe from the paparazzi, what with the huge gates around my property. The next thing I knew, I was assaulting her with rough kisses once my front door was shut behind us. I just had so much anger that needed to be released...I released it all onto her. She wasn't exactly enjoying it as much as she could have, but it's not like she protested or anything.

I didn't even realize I was pretty much dragging her upstairs and into my bedroom.

It's not like I took advantage of her, she never told me to stop, she wanted this—maybe she needed the release just as much as I did, for what reasons, I wasn't so sure.

I wasn't completely broken after having sex with Mitchie, but as you already know, nothing in my life ever stays pure, it always has to end up tainted.

Apparently there is a such thing as to much 'bad' publicity (technically it was good though...I mean, I was getting my name out there), at least that's what my manager told me. It made no sense to me, I was giving the company the publicity that they wanted, now it was to much? I can never win with them.

Toning down my attitude was the only solution, giving fake smiles and pretending to at least somewhat like the assholes around me would patch up for my mistake.

Everyone can smile, but it's not always genuine. People seem to not realize that and just fall for the facade, it's ridiculous.

I was cracking more and more each day, at a tantalizingly slow pace, which made it all even worse. I was being tormented, which is never a fun experience.

Mitchie and I ended up in some sort of unspoken agreement. I could use her as a form of relieve, and she wouldn't say a thing. No one would know, I would feel better, she probably would too, everything would be fine and it was...for awhile.

When having sex with her wasn't enough, I started to smoke. It made me feel calm for a bit, but it just wasn't enough, so I started drinking.

I was so close to shattering, but at that point I honestly didn't even give a damn.

Sex with Mitchie wasn't the same as it used to be. We didn't get the same feeling like we used to...but we still continued anyway. I think that Mitchie just wanted a reason to actually be around me, and that's not my huge ego that's saying that either.

At this point, I honestly don't know what finally broke me. Everything was just to much to handle, so I just...shattered. I held my composure until I made it to Mitchie's apartment complex. She didnt know that I was coming over, so I just decided to climb up the fire escape, despite the fact that she lives on the twenty-third floor.

I felt safe with her. I felt like she wouldn't judge me, she would keep me company; the loneliness would disappear. No judgmental stares, no telling me what to do...she would comfort me in some type of way instead of just adding to the growing pile of problems in my life.

So I broke down and she just held me. It may seem pathetic, yet I couldn't have asked for more. Sometimes I wish that I could love her, but we both know that I'm buried to deep in my problems to actual give her the love that she deserves. I do love her in a way, but not in the way that she wants me to love her. Maybe I could have loved her if I had stayed with her instead of pursued my dream.

Just because you have sex with girls, doesn't mean that you love them.


	3. Chapter 3

If only bad things didn't have to happen for the good to show itself. Is there even any good in this situation? I honestly can't tell.

"I'm broken, Mitchie," Alex wryly chuckles after her sobbing has finally ceased.

She's sitting on my lap, with her head against my chest.

"No, you're not, Alex...you're just—"

"Mentally insane—unstable, maybe?," She quips as she climbs off of my lap and sits beside me on the floor.

"Alex," I warn. "You're not broken, you're just really stressed and partly in a bad place right now—" Who am I kidding? Even I said that's she's broken...I didn't say it to her face, but still...

"I'm not in a bad place," She softly says.

I raise a disbelieving brow at her. "You aren't?"

She shakes her head. "Surprisingly not, probably because I'm here, with you."

"But we're pretty much always together," I point out. Well it's sort of true...

"We're just talking though...which is actually nice. Who would have thought that talking would actually help," She mumbles.

'Just about everyone...' I think to myself.

"I'm glad you didn't listen to me back then," Alex quietly says.

I knit my eyebrows in confusion. "What are you talking about, Alex?"

"When I was first discovered, I told you to come with me, remember? I told my record label, 'I have this amazing friend with this notebook full of amazing songs and a pair of vocals that will slay the charts, you have to meet her.' But you never did meet them. If I'm being completely honest, I thought that you were being pretty stupid. You have so much talent and yet, you keep it to yourself. You'd rather stay here and continue going to our lame school, than to be on stage with me and have raging fans."

"Alex I don't under—"

"But I'm glad,"She repeats. "It's not as fun as everyone thinks," She says as she furrows her eyebrows. "I found myself working so hard to please everyone that I cared nothing about, yet I pretty much lost everything. My fans keep asking for more, which I can't give them all at once...I have no personal friends, my manager is just being an asshole to me, I feel like I'm mentally unstable, my parents are too buried into their jobs to actually know what's going on in my life...do they even care? I'm only 17, I shouldn't be feeling this way," She whimpers out.

"And feeling like this...it's not fun," She sniffles. "It's not fun at all, so I'm glad that you didn't listen to me back then. Chances are you would be in the same state as me...or maybe you wouldn't, who knows, really? I don't know what I'd do if you'd ended up like me," She shakily lets out. "God...why am I so stupid? I saw all of this happening to me, yet I did nothing, all I did was watch as they stripped me of my own and just...molded..this," She croaks out as she motions at her body.

"Alex you're far from stupid,okay? You just wanted to live the dream that you've had since you were five—"

"I was being stupid," She mumbles.

"—you were being ambitious! You actually had the guts to pursue your dream, while I kept mine in a composition notebook."

"Well I've finally woke up from that dream, and the outcome seriously sucks."

"Well maybe you just need to change."

"It's not that easy, Mitch. I'm under a strict contract, they pretty much have me bound to strings, like a frigging puppet or something."

"Who the hell are you?" I softly question as I narrow my eyes at her. Alex raises her brows at me, but says nothing.

"The Alex that I knew would have done...well something. She would have bitched until she got her way, nothing but her way. I know that you're naturally nice and that the baass part that your company had you portray was all them, but there was always a part of you who settled for nothing but what was the best for you. You wouldn't be wearing...skin tight dresses, let alone let anyone dress you as they please, like a frigging Barbie doll."

The Barbie reference is what will get to her.

"I'm not a Barbie," She says through clenched teeth.

"Oh, yeah?" I say as I raise a challenging brow at her. "Cause if I'm not mistaken, Barbie is portrayed as perfect, which everyone thinks that you are, Barbie is easily stripped and wears whatever clothing is put on her and does whatever anyone pleases because they control her, which you do because apparently you're supposed to, Barbie has anything and everything that she could ever want, but it still isn't enough."

Alex clenches her eyes shut and takes in a few deep breaths.

It's starting to sink in, good. She may say that she knows what is wrong, but hearing it just makes it sink in even more, hopefully to the point where it leads to making a difference.

"You don't deserve to be treated like this Alex," I softly say as I lift her chin so she looks me in the eye. Her brown eyes show so much vulnerability, it's surreal.

"You're so much more than this. You're an actual person, not this hollow shell that is portrayed as having a wonderful life, especially since you're really hurting on the inside." I lick my lips as I whisper out the last part. "And you're my best friend, who I really want back..."

That breaks her. Her body shakes uncontrollably, while streams of tears rolls down her cheeks. She whimpers as she hugs her body, but then does something that I don't expect.

She strips off her tight shirt, skirt, her expensive boots, jewelry, everything but her bra and panties. She throws her discarded clothing and jewelry out my bedroom window and lets out a few layered breaths.

"Gone," She breathes out. "It's gone...I just want to feel like myself again. Baggy clothes, I need baggy clothes," She mutters to herself.

Alex gets up and heads over to my closet, pretty much tearing every article of clothing off of its hanger, until she finds an oversized pair of grey sweatpants that I wear when I know that I won't be leaving the house for a few days.

"Boy shorts," She mutters as she heads over to my bed and kneels in front of the left drawer of my bed. She narrows her eyes when she sees that it's my sock drawer, so then she opens up the right drawer and grabs the pair of my yummy sushi boy shorts and hastily slides her panties down her legs, not even caring that I'm in the room. After she pulls on my boy shorts, she snaps open the clasp of her bra and slides the straps down her shoulders, dropping the bra to the floor and then she kicks it to the side along with her discarded panties. She lifts my bed pillow and grabs my old loose fitting Power Rangers t-shirt and puts it on, sighing in relief as she looks at herself in my full-body mirror.

By stripping off the clothing that her label makes her wear, it's like Alex is a step closer to being her old self again. It's like when you've gone through a lot and you want a new beginning, so you might cut your hair and just change for the better. There is a lot that Alex has to do to be like her old self again, and I'm gonna make sure to help her as much as I can.

"Hey, Mitch?"

"Yeah, Alex?"

"Got any junk food?" She asks with a guilty grin on her face.


End file.
